Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I saw nothing
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline