Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
This January has 47 Mondays
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.