Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
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the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*