Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
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“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.