Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”