Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Florida be like…

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”