Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
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Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right