Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

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I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.


Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.


Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)


In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family


[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home


Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?


in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down


When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping