Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.