@steeve_again

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

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@SveldtSmelt

I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

@BrandonBrown522

Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.

@Deurb1

Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)

@XplodingUnicorn

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

@Jeffwni

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

@david8hughes

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

@mostlysharks

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

@jake_lach

When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping