I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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Warm pools make me nervous.
Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
Fine, take the other car, I don’t care.