ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror