Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?