ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t