ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

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Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that’s where the morgue is


I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs


22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders


The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not


How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.


Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!


I think it’s lame how Justin Bieber has millions of Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has like 8 Beliefahs.


Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!


Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.