ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD