@panmidwest

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

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@psybermonkey

Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that’s where the morgue is

@JustCaseyAF

I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs

@patrickhogan91

22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders

@PlainTravis

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

@Bez

How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.

@smithsara79

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

@YourTextSpoken

I think it’s lame how Justin Bieber has millions of Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has like 8 Beliefahs.

@SonOfCha

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

@BillMc7

Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.