ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.


[at BBQ]

Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.

He hated bratwurst.


[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?


The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”


Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.


Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.

AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.


Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*


I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work


Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?