Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her
Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital
Dr: that’s where the morgue is
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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1. Movies about Santa.
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3. Die Hard
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
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Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.