ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Wise advice
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job