@TheHyyyype

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

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@TheHyyyype

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

@scorpiusryan21

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

@WeissBrandon

I get it short people, I get it.

Oooops sorry typo,

I’ll get it short people, I’ll get it.

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

@FeelingEuphoric

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

@kumailn

When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

@ChipKellysBalls

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

@Darlainky

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”