ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?
9 YEAR OLD: I don’t even pay attention to anything I say.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I’m tired of being –
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.