@TheHyyyype

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

You Might Also Like

@iinkedZombie

ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?

9 YEAR OLD: I don’t even pay attention to anything I say.

@arandomhim

*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way

@LlamaInaTux

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

@amydillon

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

@pattioshankable

Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!

@Heartblakekid15

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

@copymama

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.