me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
What the hell happened here.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.