me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
the last thing a carrot sees
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it