me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I’m like a Ferrero Rocher in that I’m quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”
Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”
Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”
My tween has this super cute new habit of starting every sentence with “you do realize that…” and anyway, I’m selling his PS4 for ten cents. Who wants it?
Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*