Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly