Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

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There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango


if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions


BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.


Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.


INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?

INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.


joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno


The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.


Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!