There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Wife: Holy shit
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if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?
INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!