me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.