ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people