@blahdevivre

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

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@Spilling_The_T

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

@DrakeGatsby

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

@Yankeegiant72

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

@bigmacher

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

@scorpicpanda

Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.

@sad_tree

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

@say_shannon

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

@kyry5

Me: *popping out of a giant cake, screaming* “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ME IN THERE AFTER YOU BAKED IT”

@ojedge

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”