While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Saying you’re single
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever
Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me: *popping out of a giant cake, screaming* “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ME IN THERE AFTER YOU BAKED IT”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…still more neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”