ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

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Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?


[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord


My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in


Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.


keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years


Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”


Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*


Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.


*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal