ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Selfie
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’