Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I need better friends
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
listen closely
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.