@krisv_723

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

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@Douchekevin

Divorce.

When being wrong every day for being alive isn’t working for you.

@brianbowman73

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

@Damnsotrue

Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!

@squirrel74wkgn

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

@UtilityLimb

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

@stephenjmolloy

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

@Scdavis24

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?”

She’s been talking nonstop for the last two days now.