me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I’m sorry…what?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.