Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”