Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.