@impaulmccoy

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

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@alexisthenedd

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

@LeonEarlgrey

If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.

@gemmacorrell

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@maxsparber

Obi Wan: Your father was burned so badly that all his limbs just sort of fell off but we have such advanced technology like clones and robotics and such that we saved him.

Luke: What about my mother?

Obi Wan: Died in childbirth, literally nothing could be done.

@_elvishpresley_

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

@alymoemaly

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

@longwall26

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

@AudreyStJames1

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!