Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
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You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Home is where your toilet is.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Sniffing the broccoli
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*