me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
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ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
inventing words: clothing
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sign at work today