Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
You Might Also Like
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.