me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I feel it
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Life with a cat in one tweet
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.