Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
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THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it’s a big mess.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
direct deposit: $1400
me at Nike: you do it.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella
Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*