Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
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When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.