[Me, drunk at 18]
THIS SHIT IS BANANAS
[Me, drunk now]
I SLEEP IN PAJAMAS
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
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If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Why couldn’t the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?
[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]
detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled
Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.
I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho