@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

@mattgallo123

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

@BadJordon

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

@ThRealBallsDeep

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

@paperphotoyo

When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it’s a big mess.

@TitansHomer

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

@poutinesmoothie

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*