@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

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@KissabiX

[Me, drunk at 18]
THIS SHIT IS BANANAS
BEE
AY
EN
AY
EN
AY
ESS!

[Me, drunk now]
I SLEEP IN PAJAMAS
PEE
AY
JAY
AY
EM
AY
ESS

@Gooooats

If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.

@Book_Krazy

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day ūüôā

@gengen874

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

@suntzufuntzu

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

@samalmightysam

Why couldn’t the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?

@desukidesu

[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]

detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled

@PretendMunchkin

Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.

I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.

Snacks anyone?

@caithuls

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho