Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
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Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Me trying to walk in a dream
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks