Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
When I laugh on my period
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki