Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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absolutely not
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I need better friends
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
and this one
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.