@ArfMeasures

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

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@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

@donttouchjames

me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems

also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened

@Ojasism

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

@RobDenBleyker

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

@Kendragarden

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

@HomeWithPeanut

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

@SadPeruna

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

@envydatropic

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum