Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf

Guy: do you mean polo?

Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes

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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run


My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.


We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore


Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.


Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.


I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.


If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.


Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?


(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…