Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.