@thenatewolf

Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf

Guy: do you mean polo?

Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes

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@PetrickSara

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

@benedictevans

My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.

@GrantTanaka

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

@Vodkantots

Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.

@TheBeerGuy73

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

@Carbosly

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@DanaSchwartzzz

If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.

@Aimiekins

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

@zuza_real

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…