me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
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How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Whoa 😂
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff