Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
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Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
j o i m p
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.