Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
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i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Raisins are grape jerky.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
*jazz hands*
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?