@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

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@stephenjmolloy

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

@RunOldMan

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

@TheMichaelRock

Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.

@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@LuvPug

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

@tastefactory

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

@iwearaonesie

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

@CruisinSoozan

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.