Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.