Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
umm…
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc