Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
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“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer
BARTENDER: What brand?
CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.