me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

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Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …


“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…


(Summer 2015)


If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.


THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing


The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff



GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


[TV show]

CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before


I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.


Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.