ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

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Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.


Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat


Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.


Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.


“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant


having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler


Pay attention to your kids… Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat.


Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.