ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.