Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
This hospital has everything
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight