@Shen_the_Bird

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

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@PinkCamoTO

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

@Jake_Vig

Torn this election season.

I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president.

But I’m also curious about the apocalypse.

@Social_Mime

I’m a sensible person, and I’ll also take off my glasses to smell something better.

@Reverend_Scott

Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.

You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

@michaelianblack

Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: [points to baptism outfit hanging in closet] IS THAT TINY WHITE OUTFIT FROM WHEN I DID BABY KARATE

Me:

7yo:

Me: yup

7yo: AWESOME

@LaniBeno

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.