Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
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Torn this election season.
I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president.
But I’m also curious about the apocalypse.
I’m a sensible person, and I’ll also take off my glasses to smell something better.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.
You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?
7yo: [points to baptism outfit hanging in closet] IS THAT TINY WHITE OUTFIT FROM WHEN I DID BABY KARATE
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.