Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.