@DaddyJew

Me: I thought I told you no more snacking

8: it’s an energy bar

Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?

8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from

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@LeonEarlgrey

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

@Darlainky

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

@SondraDeeMe

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

@CAshmanActor

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

@MartaEffing

[breakup talk]

H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!

@KyleMcDowell86

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

@Gupton68

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…