
the english language
Me: I thought I told you no more snacking
8: it’s an energy bar
Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?
8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from
the english language
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.
Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.
You sneezed 20 times in a row, I think your brain wants out
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!