@LeonEarlgrey “Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
@DaddyJew Me: I thought I told you no more snacking
8: it’s an energy bar
Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?
8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from
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@LeonEarlgrey 
@Darlainky I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
@SondraDeeMe I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
@colonel_trilL If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
@OhNoSheTwitnt I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
@CAshmanActor [farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
@MartaEffing [breakup talk]
H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!
@iamspacegirl God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
@KyleMcDowell86 Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
@Gupton68 Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…