a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.