Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
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Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Hey i am sexy to you now
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.