Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
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The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Dear Lord..
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
me, too, girl. me, too.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.