@jctwritesstuff

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

@amandajpanda

Dad: I called but got VM, where were you?

Me: Outside smoking a brisket.

Dad: Why? Did the price of tobacco go up?

Me: Bye, Dad.

@AimeeHelene1

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

@buhsbaby_baby

You know what I’d like for Christmas, mom? I’d like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I’d like some money and some new socks.

@radtoria

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

@dubiousgenius

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

@NotBachibawlz

Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says “Ya want a box for them?”

“I was willing to pay” I said “but I guess we can fight for em”

@2tickytacky

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.