Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
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If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
thank god
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)