Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
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i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.