Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

thanksgiving in nutshell

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]