Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.