Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
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The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route