Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
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Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss