As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
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Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
no their not
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.